The complete platform to ignore good advice.
Prophetic tech consulting from someone who saw it coming. Apollo cursed me to always be right and never believed. Your engineering team does it for free.
I told you so.
A non-exhaustive list of correct predictions that were confidently ignored.
Faster disaster. More innovation.
The platform for rapid failure. Let me help your team ignore best practices efficiently so you can learn the hard way faster.
Prophetic Architecture Review
I'll point out exactly where your system will fail. You'll implement it anyway, then call me 6 months later to fix it at 3x the cost.
Database Design Warnings
Watch me correctly predict your scaling issues while your team insists "we'll cross that bridge when we get there." Spoiler: the bridge is on fire.
Cloud Cost Prophecy
Let me forecast your AWS bill spiral. No one believes the numbers until the invoice arrives. Then it's somehow my fault for not being convincing enough.
Technical Debt Divination
I see your future: a codebase so entangled that simple changes take weeks. "We'll refactor later" they said. Later never comes.
Security Foresight
I'll identify vulnerabilities that will definitely be exploited. Leadership will deprioritize them for features. See you after the breach.
Performance Problem Prediction
Let me tell you which features will bring your system to its knees. You'll optimize after launch when users are already leaving.
Press, features, and grudging admissions.
What clients say after the preventable disaster happens exactly as predicted.
She said our API design would become unmaintainable. We thought she was being dramatic. We're now on version 4 of a complete rewrite.
Cassandra warned us about vendor lock-in on day one. We went ahead anyway because the sales demo was impressive. Now we can't leave and prices tripled.
She told us to implement monitoring before launch. We said we'd add it later. Spent 72 hours debugging blind during our first outage.
"This authentication flow has three critical vulnerabilities." Two weeks post-launch: security breach. She even told us which ones.
Cassandra predicted our database migration would take 6 months, not 2 weeks. Leadership went with the optimistic estimate. Month 7 now.
She said our caching strategy would cause race conditions. We insisted our code was "different." It wasn't. Production was chaos.
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By submitting, you agree to ignore all advice provided. Standard rates apply when you inevitably need emergency consulting.